I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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