She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
