at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
