I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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