he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
