He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
i now understand why vodka
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize