It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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