Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
