When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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