just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
I wish I only lived at night.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
