Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
