My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
