I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
