woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
sex in a hospital.. check
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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