I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Randomize
