Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
