I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
