Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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