i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize