new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
