If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
