I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
