we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
