Please, let me fuck your mom
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Randomize
