Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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