So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize