rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
