If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
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