ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
