I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Michael Bay diarrhea
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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