Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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