So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
