Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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