her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
