I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Randomize