omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
