I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
