I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
