That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
