She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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