...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
