Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
My vagina just recognized that song.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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