what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
