My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
