last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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