if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
