I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
it hurts more in the daytime
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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