I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
