After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
