I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I cockslap morals
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
