ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
