I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
