Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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