The maid of honor just puked.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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