I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
my shit smells like andre
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
