i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize