I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
