i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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