Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
