Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
