I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize