I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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