Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I just found a bag of teeth...
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
