Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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